Barstool Sports

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Finally, proof Barry Bonds is on steroids

In his attempt to stay ahead of the steroid testing, San Francisco Giants slug Barry Bonds have overdosed on the designer steroid "Estrogen." The injections kept his oversized frame the same, but resulted in the growth of long flowing hair and a vagina. At first he didn't notice the change down below because his nuts have been gone since he left Pittsburgh. Barry tried to cover up the mistake in dosage by pretending to be Paula Abdul during a hazing ritual, but he wasn't fooling anyone. See the video here. (Video follows truck commercial)

Barry got into a shouting match with a coach before pulling down his top and shoving the man's face into his bizzombas...

"You stay classy Barry Bonds."

Great Norm Peterson Quotes

What's up, Norm?

"My nipples. It's freezing out there."

What's shaking, Norm?

"All four cheeks & a couple of chins."

What'll you have, Normie?

"Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of the tap."

Looks like beer, Norm.

"Call me Mister Lucky."

What's the story, Mr. Peterson?

"The Bobbsey Twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."

Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.

"I know, if she calls, I'm not here."

Whatcha up to, Norm?

"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

How's life treating you, Norm?

"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."

How's it going, Mr. Peterson?

"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."

What's the story, Norm?

"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?

"A little early, isn't it, Woody?"

For a beer?

"No, for stupid questions."

(Norm comes in with an attractive woman.) Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?

"With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe."

How's life, Mr. Peterson?

"Oh, I'm waiting for the movie."

What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson?

"Elope with my wife."

How's life in the fast lane, Normie?

"Beats me, I can't find the on-ramp."

How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?

"Pretty nervous if I was in the room."

"Women. Can't live with 'em.... pass the beer nuts."

Monday, February 27, 2006

Camp Candy

Your Uncle Buck wants to welcome you back to Camp Candy! The theme song really brings UB back...

Another Red Sox movie

Yet another movie involving the Red Sox as the main plot is headed to theatres. Game 6 is opens on March 10th and your Uncle Buck can't imagine one Red Sox fan (or anyone else for that matter) who would stand in line to see it.

As UB saw in the trailer, Michael Keaton plays a Red Sox fan/playwright who skips the opening night of his play in New York to watch Game 6 of the 1986 World Series at a bar. There are some sub plots about him getting a divorce with his wife and an affair with some woman...
"For the last time, you are NOT Batman!"

"I'm Batman."

The film also features Bebe Neuwirth, fresh off her roll in Cheers...If it wasn't for that outfit, you'd lose her in the sheets...

The Director (standing next to Dr. Moreau) is a Mets fan...Big F-ing surprise.

Robert Downey Jr. also stars, apparently playing Beethoven...The film marks another attempt at a comeback by Downey Jr. after that stint in jail...

Downey Jr. received several years following that "Anti-Pep Rally" stunt:

"Violent ground acquisition games such as football is in fact a crypto-fascist metaphor for nuclear war. "

"No...I really am Batman!"

"...Gets through Buckner! Here comes Knight at the Mets win it!!" BANG

Friday, February 24, 2006

Slip sliding away

So your Uncle Buck sits down in front of the HDTV with a beer and a stack of pork chops around 8pm to watch Survivor and the Olympics and ends up with a night of disappointing television and a stomach ache.

UB had seen an ad earlier in the day promoting Survivor as the most intense episode ever, with the closest finish ever and something happening on Exile Island that would "change the game FOREVER!" UB turns over to NBC and sees that they are gonna show the lower level skaters and some ski jumping so UB watches the worst episode of Survivor so far...

As you may recall UB had mentioned US hopeful Sasha Cohen in a previous post as someone who looks like they could make it even without getting the gold. Model layouts (above) and charisma could make her a star with a silver or bronze, but surprisingly she went into last night's competition the leader for the gold...Then she began her free skate program:'s to hoping the modeling thing works out...

So after Sasha went crasha (NY Post), the focus turned to the Russian girl: UB waited up til almost midnight on a school night for this? Thanks NBC. Those bastards could have shown the contending skaters at 8pm, since the damn even happened almost 5 hours earlier, but no, they had to throw out 3 hours of Unknown skater-Profile of unknown skater's homeland-Ski jumping-Unknown skater-profile of unknown skater's hometown...I hope they lose millions on this and the rest of the 20 Olympics they've paid out the nose for...

All of this after UB learned that the Patriots decided not to slap the "franchise" tag on Adam Vinatieri like last year. This leaves "Mr. Clutch" open to become a free agent...Now "In Belichick We Trust" but if they let Vinatieri go it is a big big big mistake...Therefore they won't let him go...gulp...

On the plus side full squad (minus Manny of course) workouts began for the Red Sox yesterday...

It was apparently very hot, forcing some players to strip down to their Jockeys and Sox...

John Henry: "And that's the last time I got a sun burn."

Duchebag Lucchino: "Oh John you're so funny!!! And attractive!"

Friday fwds: Beer and a burger

Thursday, February 23, 2006

9 and 8

Don't make him angry, you wouldn't like him when he's angry. Tiger Woods once again proved yesterday why he is one of the best ever in the history of golf and sports in general. After absorbing criticism from his Match Play Championship opponent Stephen Ames, Tiger made short work of him, winning 9 of the 10 match play holes, leaving 8 holes on the table.

"Hey! Hold that cab, I'll be done here in a minute..."

Ames was asked about his chances Monday when he said "Anything can happen," then smiling and saying, "Especially where 'HE'S' hitting the ball." Woods apparently took his comments seriously and must have had a smile of his own when he climbed into a van behind the 10th green after halving the hole to win the match. When asked if he had seen what Ames said, Tiger responded, "Yes." When asked what his reaction was, Tiger said, "9 and 8." With the victory Tiger became the first player in the tournament to win the 1st 9 holes and take the match in the 10th. Ames was the #16 seed and Tiger was the #1 seed in the bracket, but most 16 vs. 1 matchups don't play out as much like Little Mac vs. Glass Joe:

The demolition by one of Golf's greats got your Uncle Buck thinking about great sports moments where one guy shot off his mouth and the result that followed. In the history of sports it really turns out one of three ways, followed by a few examples:

1. Said big mouth gets thumped by opponent.

2. Said big mouth thumps opponent like he said he would.

3. They both stink.

Scenario 1: Said big mouth gets thumped:

Nov. 22, 1965: Floyd Patterson vs. Muhammad Ali

Former heavyweight boxing champion Floyd Patterson publicly denounces Ali's new found Muslim faith by refusing to call him Ali, instead calling him Cassius Clay. Never short on words Ali returns the insult calling Patterson an "Uncle Tom".

The Result:

Ali dominates Patterson, but instead of scoring a quick KO (or a late KO or a KO when ever he wanted the way he was dominating the action), Ali mocked, humiliated and punished Patterson throughout before knocking him out in the 12th round. Throughout the fight Ali can be heard yelling, "What's my name!?"

April 15, 1985: Thomas Hearns vs. Marvin Hagler

You can take a look at UB's review of this fight from a few months ago here. As for the foot in the mouth moment, coming off a 2 round destruction of Roberto Duran, a fighter Hagler struggled with for 15 rounds, Hearns joked about his Middleweight title fight with Hagler saying his management set him up to fight a "midget." Hager said he would let his fighting do the talking.

The Result:

Hagler out battles Hearns in the greatest 1st round in the history of the sport and finishes him off in the 3rd to win by TKO.

June 8, 2002: Mike Tyson vs. Lennox Lewis

"Baddest Man on the Planet" Mike Tyson told a reporter following a early KO that he wanted to take heavyweight champion Lennox Lewis's heart and "eat his children." The fact that Lewis didn't have any children apparently got back to Mike who proceeded to attack and bite Lennox during a press event to promote the fight.

The Result:

Lewis ate Tyson's heart with thudding left jabs and riveting right uppercuts before knocking him out with a right cross to the jaw at 2:25 of the eighth round.

After the fight Tyson said: "I might just fade into oblivion."

Feb. 6, 2005: Freddie Mitchell vs. Rodney Harrison

When asked by ESPN's Dan Patrick to name the members of the New England Patriots secondary, who Freddie and the Eagles are about to play in Super Bowl XXXIX, FredEx (never open on Sundays) rattles off some wrong jersey numbers before saying he knows Patriots Safety Rodney Harrison and has something for Rodney "when I meet ya, too!"

The Result:

Harrison has 2 picks in the Patriots Super Bowl win, including the game clincher in the 4th quarter. Freddie has ONE catch. The catch comes late in the 4th, when the Patriots move to a prevent defense to trade yardage for clock with Philadelphia. Yes, you read that right, Rodney had one more catch than Freddie.

Scenario 2: Said big mouth thumps opponent just like he said he would:

Jan. 12, 1969: Joe Namath vs. Baltimore Colts

Broadway Joe tells reporters he "guarantees" a win for his AFL New York Jets over the 18 point favorite NFL Colts.

The Result:

Namath has a solid game, backed up by his defense, and runs to tunnel with his #1 finger raised high...

The Longterm Result:

"I wanna kiss you!"

May 22, 1988: Larry Bird vs. Atlanta Hawks

Larry Legend has some strong words for the Atlanta Hawks after the Celtics Game 6 win in Atlanta to tie the series 3-3. Bird says the Hawks blew their opportunity to eliminate the Celtics and with Game 7 being it Boston it was going to be "a big win for the Celtics."

The Result:

In the final 12 minutes of the game Bird hits nine of 10 shots and scores 20 points. The Celtics win 118-116.

Scenario 3: Said big mouth and his opponent both suck:

Feb. 5th, 2006: Jerramy Stevens vs. Joey Porter

Leading up to Super Bowl XL, Seattle Seahawks TE Jerramy Stevens makes a comment that Pittsburgh Steelers RB Jerome Bettis will be leaving Detroit without a ring. LB Joey Porter of the Steelers makes Stevens target #1 for Super Bowl Sunday.

The Result:

Stevens has several key drops in a game Seattle could have won, out-gaining the Steelers in every category but points.

Porter doesn't exactly light it up either, with only 3 tackles, 0 sacks, and 0 big plays...although as part of the Steelers team he does get a ring...

Tiger moves on to his next prey...(Cue the sad walking away music...) Do, do, do, do do do...

Uncle Buck

Moments of Zen!