Barstool Sports

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

The State of the Red Sox

"Ladies and gentlemen...the State of the Red Sox is...better than it was yesterday!"


(Wow, even Tom is clapping...)

All the clapping has to be for the report out of the Boston Herald that the Sox filled their most visible hole in coming to terms with SS Alex Gonzalez. The free agent shortstop and the Red Sox agreed to terms yesterday on a one-year deal worth $3 million, according to the Herald. Gonzo only had 16 errors at short last year. He is a .245 career hitter with a career on-base percentage of just .291. Gonzo had a relatively strong year last season with the Marlins with 31 walks, two off his career high, shaved his strikeout total from a career-high of 126 in 2004 to 81 and upped his on-base percentage to .319 with a .264 batting average.

"I told them I'd sign, just keep Wade Boggs away from Camilla..."

At some point don't be surprised to see 2nd base prospect Dustin Pedroia take a stab at short, as the revolving door at short will surely keep moving into 2007.

So where does the Sox lineup rank at this point compared to going into spring training last year?

  • CF: Coco Crisp In, Johnny Damon Out...Better off
  • RF: Manny Ramirez still here...
  • LF: Trot Nixon still here...Worse off
  • 1B: Kevin Youkilis/JT Snow In, Kevin Millar/John Olerud Out...Better off
  • 2B: Mark Loretta In, Mark Bellhorn Out...Better off
  • SS: Alex Gonzalez In, Theo's Rent-a-wreck Out...Worse off
  • 3B: Mike Lowell In, Bill Mueller Out...Worse off
  • C: Jason Varitek still here...
  • DH: David Ortiz still here...

"Okay, we're going to have to cut away from the President's remarks for breaking news. This just in to CNN, the Saddam Hussein trial has been postponed. And thank goodness since he's really not a bad guy."

Monday, January 30, 2006

It's an opera

What is the world coming to? Your Uncle Buck was listening to WEEI today and they were talking about the Ron Borges article on the guy holding the Patriots hostage over the Doug Flutie dropkick football.

While the Pats were looking for the ball for the Hall of Fame the PR department got a call from the lawyer of the fan who caught the kick. Here is what the guy wanted from the Pats for the ball:


4 Season Tickets in the endzone for the next 25 years. (Although he was gonna pay for the tickets).

A Tom Brady jersey signed by the entire team.

As you can expect the Pats had a little laugh and said "No thanks."

On the plus side UB finally tracked down Tiny Tick who was MIA while recovering from a wild week on a work trip.

A drunken TT amazes the crowd with his version of "The Humpty Dance".

(If you haven't bought stock in the company, now's the time...)

Tiny puts the figure-four leg-lock on a helpless co-worker trying to emulate the great Ric Flair.

While the "Nature Boy" was the master of the figure-four, even he would agree the hold hurts worse when your opponent reverses it...

Anyway what the hell was UB talking about...Oh yeah golf:

Tiger Woods returned to form with his Sudden Death victory over Jose Maria Olazabal. The funniest part was when co-leader Sergio Garcia, playing in the final group with Woods for the first time since the 2002 U.S. Open at Bethpage, hit into five bunkers and a beer tent on his first eight holes and went out in 40. When he hit into the beer tent all UB could think about was:

"I'll pay for your lunch and I'll pay for the umbrella."

Meanwhile the Celtics have entered Wally World with the addition of Wally Szczerbiak. They go the win in the 1st game over the Kings, 15 minutes after Wally showed up, but then lost Sunday night in a game that the NBA didn't broadcast on TV...Can you believe that? And then they lost tonight too...Marcus Banks 20 points, are you F-ing kidding UB?

"Hello can call me Wally!"

"This just in, the Red Sox finally signed Coco Crisp. Up next how John Kerry caused the record breaking hurricane season, but first: more of her legs..."

Finally, UB was picking up something at a neighbor's house when he noticed tickets to "La Boheme" on the fridge..."What the hell is 'La Bo-HE-me'?"

"It's an opera!"

Friday, January 27, 2006

Brady out of Pro Bowl

KANSAS CITY, Mo. --Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Trent Green was put on the AFC's Pro Bowl roster Friday, replacing injured New England quarterback Tom Brady.
It was the second Pro Bowl selection for Green, who also made the AFC team after the 2003 season.

"Sorry guys I got better things to do..."

...Like be on Family Guy this weekend.

Celtics pass the Blount

Your Uncle Buck has received about a dozen emails this morning regarding the Celtics trade of stiff Center Mark Blount (pronounced Blunt/above left) and Ricky Davis and about 10 other guys for Michael Olowokandi (above right), Wally Szczerbiak and some other stuff from the Minnesota Timberwolves.

The Celtics sent Davis, Blount, Marcus Banks, Justin Reed, and two conditional second-round picks to the Timberwolves yesterday in exchange for Olowokandi, Szczerbiak, Dwayne Jones of the development league, and a conditional first-round pick likely to be exercised in 2008. UB is sad to see Davis and his often high flying antics leave town, but you have to be pleased they were able to dump Blounts blown up contract.

"You stink!"

Banks (above left) never panned out like management hoped, besides Danny Ainge and Doc Rivers see more potential in rookies Orien Greene and Ryan Gomes and the development of Delonte West has limited Banks' playing time.

Blount who was one of the high spots on the Celtics two years ago got himself a six-year, $38 million contract. Since then he's been a major bum, most recently being benched. The 7-foot Olowokandi, who is a former #1 over all draft pick, averaged 6.0 points, 5.6 rebounds, and 23.5 minutes in 32 appearances (24 starts) for Minnesota this season. He is in the final year of his contract and is owed $5.9 million. Don't expect to see him much more than you saw Blount, as this end of the deal is really nothing more than a salary dump.

The addition of Szczerbiak will replace Ricky's production, bringing his impressive field goal percentage (50 percent) and 20.1 points per game to Boston. In 40 starts with Minnesota this season, the 6-foot-7-inch Szczerbiak averaged 38.9 minutes. After this season, Szczerbiak has three years and $36 million remaining on his contract. Over all this appears to be a productive deal for the Celtics. They dump Blount's money, pick up a better player in Szczerbiak than they had in Davis and worse case they got a 1st round draft pick out of the deal (yeah like those are worth a lot)...

"Outta my way, I'm going to get the new Wally Saucerback jersey!"

Challenger: Where were you?

Saturday marks 20 years since the Spaceshuttle Challenger exploded after take off in one of the most gut-wrenching and memorable moments in recorded American history.

The family had just returned home from Super Bowl XX in New Orleans, Louisiana. We were pretty depressed after watching the Bears crush the Pats 46-10 in the worst Super Bowl ever, sitting at the kitchen bar watching live coverage of the Challenger launch. All most all of the other kids were in school at the time watching the same coverage on TVs that were wheeled into class. There was a lot of excitement in Massachusetts as Framingham teacher Christa McAuliffe was part of the Challenger crew. As part of a plan to drum up interest in the space program McAuliffe was to be the first civilian in space. Leading up to the launch there was a great big billboard posted in Framingham off Route 9 reading, "Home of Christa McAuliffe."

There was great excitement watching the shuttle take off, a connection with history aboard the shuttle. Moments later that connection was lost as the shuttle exploded, killing all seven astronauts aboard. It was such a stunning explosion. Moments later Dad called. Don't remember much after that.

Now 20 years later the vision of the explosion is still chilling. A tragic loss.

Christa's mission continued, however, at the Christa McAuliffe Planetarium in New Hampshire to educate, incite and entertain learners of all ages in the exploration of astronomy and space science. Since then nearly 30,000 school children a year, and thousands of others, have passed through the doors.

Where were you?

Friday fwds: If you can read this...

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Mind boggling

How did these people in charge of the Red Sox get to where they are? Was there a lottery? Are the real lawyers and experts tied up in a closet somewhere? How do the Red Sox make a trade for Florida reliever Guillermo Mota, a 32-year-old pitcher, without getting a physical from him? Your Uncle Buck would like to say this only happens to the Red Sox, but as Darth Marc said, "the Jets and Mets come to mind." When UB thinks about how stupid this move, or lack there of, is the fact that it could cost the Sox Coco Crisp has UB thinking of other great blunders by Boston management:

1978: Don Zimmer passes on Bill Lee in playoff

After blowing a huge lead in the division to the Yankoffs, the Red Sox won the last few games to tie New York and force a one game playoff at Fenway. Sox skipper Don Zimmer refuses to pitch Yankoff killer "Spaceman" Bill Lee, who once called Zimmer a "gerbil", instead he goes with Mike Torrez who loses the game on Bucky Dent's home run.

1978: Billy Sullivan suspends Head Coach Chuck Fairbanks before the playoffs

While the Patriots were celebrating their first AFC East title trouble was brewing as rumors about coach Chuck Fairbanks leaving for the University of Colorado turned into fact just hours before the start of the club's season finale in Miami. Enraged, team owner Billy Sullivan (left) suspended Fairbanks creating a bizarre situation where assistant coaches Ron Erhardt and Hank Bullough each shared the coaching duties against the Dolphins. The result was a lackluster 23-3 loss, which included a knee sprain sustained by QB Steve Grogan in the 2nd quarter. After several days of legal tactics, Fairbanks was re-instated for the Patriots playoff game against the Houston Oilers at Schaffer Stadium. However, the turmoil surrounding their coaching situation swallowed up the Pats and led to a 31-14 trouncing from the Oilers, as the team left the field Chuck Fairbanks was the target of the fans boos.

1996: Dan Duquette decides not to resign Roger Clemens

In his final season with the Red Sox, Clemens went 10-13, thanks in most part to a weak bullpen. He also posted a 3.63 ERA and pitched his most innings since 1991. Not to mention his 2nd 20-K game, this time against the Detroit Tigers. He even was willing to take the home town discount to stay with Boston. Instead Sox GM Dan Duquette let him go and said Clemens was in the "Twilight of his career." Since then Roger has won 4 Cy Young awards, 2 World Series rings, and had 5 years with an ERA under 3.63. He also surpassed the 300 win mark. Oh yeah and don't say the Sox used his money to sign Pedro, because they didn't get Pedro until 1998. They could have had both of them.

2005: The Bruins outsmart themselves

After years of pushing the league for a salary cap, cheap skate owner Jeremy Jacobs and his management team spent the previous years leading up to the lockout cutting the budget, refusing to sign big stars to long term deals to prepare the franchise for the salary cap era. Instead, the new CBA gave every other team a break on those outstanding contracts, making they only have to pay a percentage...Meaning that the Bruins allowed stars to leave and refused to bring new ones aboard for nothing...

Oh yeah, and then there is the Babe Ruth trade, but UB doesn't have to rehash that does he?

Maybe it is time for doctors to do an exam on the Red Sox management:

Uncle Buck

Moments of Zen!