Barstool Sports

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Boomber bounced to San Diego

David Wells 2 year run as Boston Red Sox pitcher over. The Sox have delt him to the San Diego Padres, which is the team that they originally got him from...

(AP) David Wells was traded Thursday from the Boston Red Sox to the Padres, who believe the free-spirited lefty will provide the lift they need as they contend for a postseason berth.

The defending NL West champion Padres, trying to make consecutive playoff appearances for the first time in their history, were off Thursday. They lead the wild-card race by one game over Philadelphia and trail the division-leading Los Angeles Dodgers by three games.

The Red Sox are to receive one of San Diego's top prospects, believed to be minor league catcher George Kottaras, or cash. Boston GM Theo Epstein previously worked under Towers in the Padres' front office and expected Wells to retire after this season.

Quarters tricks with a hot chick

Chicks dig the long bounce...

Thursday lists

Worst TV Bosses

Top 10 robberies

Top 10 Bartender Myths

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Bring out your dead

So here's the deal. Your Uncle Buck has two Red Sox tickets left for September 30th and would rather go to the dentist than the game. When the season started and UB saw two tickets against the Baltimore Orioles as part of his season ticket package, 6 rows off the field, UB figured maybe they'd be close to clinching the Wild Card or (shutter) the Division by then. Fast-forward to today and the Red Sox have a better starting 9 on the DL than on the field. Therefore UB is looking for anyone, A-N-Y-O-N-E to take these tickets off his hands...But while he continues the futile search for a schmuck UB can't help but compare this situation to Monty Python and the Holly Grail. In this scene the man trying to unload the not quite dead man into the "Bring out your dead" cart is UB, while the not quite dead man is the Red Sox:

The Dead Collector: Bring out yer dead.

[a man puts a body on the cart]

Uncle Buck: Here's one.

The Dead Collector: That'll be ninepence.

The Red Sox: I'm not dead.

The Dead Collector: What?

Uncle Buck: Nothing. There's your ninepence.

The Red Sox: I'm not dead.

The Dead Collector: 'Ere, he says he's not dead.

Uncle Buck: Yes he is.

The Red Sox: I'm not.

The Dead Collector: He isn't.

Uncle Buck: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.

The Red Sox: I'm getting better.

Uncle Buck: No you're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment.

The Dead Collector: Well, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.

The Red Sox: I don't want to go on the cart.

Uncle Buck: Oh, don't be such a baby.

The Dead Collector: I can't take him.

The Red Sox: I feel fine.

Uncle Buck: Oh, do me a favor.

The Dead Collector: I can't.

Uncle Buck: Well, can you hang around for a couple of minutes? He won't be long.

The Dead Collector: I promised I'd be at the Robinsons'. They've lost nine today.

Uncle Buck: Well, when's your next round?

The Dead Collector: Thursday.

The Red Sox: I think I'll go for a walk.

Uncle Buck: You're not fooling anyone, you know. Isn't there anything you could do?

The Red Sox: I feel happy. I feel happy. [the Dead Collector glances up and down the street furtively, then silences the Body with his a whack of his club]

Uncle Buck: Ah, thank you very much.

The Dead Collector: Not at all. See you on Thursday.

Uncle Buck: Right.

Theo: It's just a flesh wound! I'm invincible!!

Leatherface is hung like a horse

After looking at the poster for yet another crappy Texas Chainsaw Massacre sequel (er, prequel), UB's not really sure why this guy has such a hard time meeting women. Most of the ones UB is friends with would quickly ignore the mask-o-skin in favor of that thing. Maybe the mask is made of his foreskin...

Psycho At City Council

The Boy Scouts of America have a reason to be scared...about this guy! He wants that helicopter pilot and no city council will stand in his way...What a nut job:

CNN's Kyra Phillips pulls a Frank Drebin

CNN's Kyra Phillips figured she'd go to the bathroom during one of President Bush's long winded speeches yesterday, but she pulled a Frank Drebin and forgot to turn her mic off. So during the President's speech you can hear Kyra in the ladies room unzipping and zipping her fly and talking to a woman in another stall ("Can you spare a square?") and starts bashing her sister-in-law:

"Is this thing on?"

It's Hump Day, get over it




Tuesday, August 29, 2006

The Office forced to do NBC lineup preview

Conan was right when he busted on NBC for totally sucking. They've even forced the cast of The Office to do additional scenes and paste them together for the NBC Fall preview. Here are the scenes, hopefully you can stomach having to watch previews of the crappy shows in between:

Emmy opening controversy

So, UB didn't watch the Emmy awards, mainly because he knew the results would be on first thing in the morning and any video would be available by the time UB hit the computer...But UB was disappointed to learn that people are blaming Conan O'Brien and NBC for running a plane crash skit as part of the open, after that fatal plane crash in Kentucky. Anyone with a brain can see that (1) the skit was produced well before the day of air, (2) it's a parody of the show Lost. Were they not supposed use a scene from 24 that contained a shooting if someone had been shot earlier that day? I can understand stations in KY or the area not playing that part, but to blame Conan and NBC is foolish...

Monday, August 28, 2006

Over and out

"When I left for vacation there were 9 planets and the Red Sox were in 1st place..." - Bob Lobel.

What else can your Uncle Buck say but he told you so:

Wed Aug 9:
"This morning fellow baseball blogger Darth Marc asked UB, "How can you give up? You're in the middle of a pennant race!?" Here's UB's answer: "Because the Red Sox are Barbaro."

Thursday Aug 10:
"Red Sox are a mess. They are missing so many parts (pitching, hitting, bullpen, bench) they are hardly competitive and they've completely lost heart as a team."

Monday Aug 14:
"(T)he Sox are still a mess. Save for a nice start from David Wells Friday night, the starting staff and bullpen was beaten up again, giving up 18 runs to a crappy Orioles team in 3 games. Jonathan Papelbon struggled again yesterday, even after two solid innings on Saturday. The hard hitting Tigers and Yankoffs are in town for the next 8 games and have far superior pitching staffs to Baltimore. Bats have to stay hot if the Sox wanna stay alive..."

Tues Aug 15:
"(W)hat has killed the Red Sox since the All Star Break: poor starting pitching, poor relief pitching and cold bats until the 2nd half of the game...Sox fans keep waiting for Beckett to turn into this 1A ace, but it just hasn't happened and there are signs it is going to this year..."

Wed Aug 16:
"Sox fans should turn the attention to the rest of the line up who has now scored 6 runs in 2 games against the Tigers at home."

So UB goes on vacation to beautiful Cape Cod and what happens? They get swept by the Yankoffs in 5 strait...As one WEEI host put it this weekend: it was like a bully beating on the one legged blind kid. On top of that one of the beatings came in the longest 9 inning MLB game in history...

Since then they were swept in 3 games to the worst of the west Seattle...Watching this team recently has made UB think of that song from the Adam Sandler movie the Wedding Singer:

"Ok, I just want to warn you that when I wrote this song I was watching to the 2003 ALCS a lot.

[Sung] I hope you're glad with what you've done to me. I lay in bed all day long feeling melancholy. You left me here all alone, tears running constantly. Oh somebody kill me please, somebody kill me plee-ase, I'm on my knees, pretty pretty please kill me. I want to die. Put a bullet in my head.

[Kid:] You're going to the mental institution."

"Welcome home baby..."

Friday, August 18, 2006

Vacation time

Sorry folks, UB is headed to Cape Cod for a week of rest and relax-a-macation...Feel free to click on our other links especially the archives of Chowdaheads and Last Barman Poet while UB is gone. See you on the 28th!

The Return of David Brent Part 2

Ricky Gervais reprises his roll from the BBC version of The Office for Microsoft (Part two).

The Return of David Brent Part 1

Ricky Gervais reprises his roll from the BBC version of The Office for Microsoft (Part one).

Doing God's work: The Jimmy Fund

Today is the annual WEEI-NESN Jimmy Fund Radio-Telethon and your Uncle Buck asks that if you can please donate to help the fight against cancer at the Dana Farber Cancer Institute at Children's Hospital it would be much appreciated. Even as little as $5 counts!! Last year they raised well over $2-million dollars and hopefully this year they will top the $3-million mark.

With the Red Sox and Yankees squaring off for a double header today UB's hoping it will help draw more attention to the cause and help increase donations. The telethon is being hosted at Fenway Park and by 9 am they were over the $200-thousand dollar mark. They are almost at a half million just before 11 am.

It's amazing the work these doctors do at Dana Farber and it comes from donations. One of the kids this morning described it by saying, "They help you forget you have cancer." So PLEASE give...

Something that also strikes UB every year they do this event is the donations that are made. Guys that UB would like to strangle like Bruins owner Jeremy Jacobs called in with a $25-thousand dollar donation and Yankees owner George Steinbrenner calls ever year with a huge donation. Really makes you realize how unimportant sports is in the grand scheme of things.

That being said there is great pride that the Red Sox principal partnership, thanks in large part to the efforts made by the Sox greatest player Ted Williams, is with the Jimmy Fund and Dana Farber Cancer Institute.

Helping kids with cancer was a passion for "The Kid", one that continued from his days with the team to his last days of life...The new Red Sox owners erected a statue at Fenway in honor of Ted Williams, and appropriately it highlights the most important contribution he made during his time in Boston:

Click here to donate

Friday fwds: Tommy want wingy

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Hardest ballparks to visit according to the players

Sports Illustrated has released a players poll of the hardest ballparks in the Major Leagues to visit. Here's the top 10:

#1 Yankoff Stadium (New York Yankoffs) 21%

UB's Take: It smells, the fans are dicks, it looks like a giant bedpan and it's in the middle of a crappy area of the Bronx. It does have tons of history which is great if you're a Yankoff fan.

#2 Fenway Park (Boston Red Sox) 20%

UB's Take: Red Sox fans are loud and obnoxious and very knowledgeable about the game and the teams that come into town. Also for players in the outfield it can be tough playing off the wall in left or dealing with the 420 triangle in center and the pinball area in right.

#3 Wrigley Field (Chicago Cubs) 10.3 %

UB's Take: UB visited Wrigley last year and liked it, but can see how the Ivy in the outfield can be a pain for visiting players. Balls disappear in that stuff. But it should be higher on the list of people that actually play in Chicago since the fans just get drunk and don't really care about the game and then you have other fans who like to reach out and grab foul balls that if caught can send you to the World Series.

#4 Citizens Bank Park (Philadelphia Phillies) 10%

UB's Take: These fans are nuts. They throw beer at visiting fans and players and once booed Santa Claus. UB's stunned this isn't higher.

#5 McAfee Coliseum Coliseum Coliseum (Oakland) 4.2%

UB's Take: UB has only visited this park once, for a Raiders/Patriots football game. Those fans are fools who enjoy playing Halloween dress up in the upper, upper, upper deck. LT has told UB that for baseball you can buy a ticket and get a row. I would imagine players hate it because Oakland sucks and the outfield is huge.

#6 Metrodome (Twins) 3.8%

UB's Take: Would you want to fly to Minnesota?

#7 AT+T Park (Giants) 3.4%

UB's Take: Mmmm. Right center is where homers go to die and the fans cheer a steroid freak.

#8 US Cellular (White Sox) 3.1

UB's Take: Maybe because Ozzie Guillen lives there.

#9 Dolphins Stadium (Marlins) 3.0

UB's Take: It's a football stadium and every game is played in unbearable heat.

#10 Shea Stadium (Mets) 2.8%

UB's Take: Just as bad as Yankoff Stadium except for the history part.

Uncle Buck

Moments of Zen!