Great Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guys pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

I was lost and asked a cop to help me find my parents. I asked him, "do you think we'll find them?" He said, "I don't know kid there's so many places they could hide!"