Barstool Sports

Friday, September 30, 2005

Red Sox, mostly dead, turn to Miracle Max

Inigo Montoya: Are you the Miracle Max who worked for the Yankoffs all those years?

Miracle Max: The stinking owner fired me, and thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it? We're closed.

Miracle Max: Go away or I'll call the Brute Squad.

Fezzik: I'm on the Brute Squad.

Miracle Max: You are the Brute Squad!

Miracle Max: [Lifts and drops the arm of the Red Sox Nation] I've seen worse.

Miracle Max: You got any money?

Inigo Montoya: Sixty-five.

Miracle Max: I've never worked for so little. Except once, and that was a very noble cause.

Inigo Montoya: This is noble, sir. His wife is... crippled. His children are on the brink of starvation.

Miracle Max: Are you a rotten liar.

Inigo Montoya: I need him to help avenge my father, who suffered with the Red Sox for dozens of years.

Miracle Max: Your first story was better. He probably owes you money huh? I'll ask him.

Inigo Montoya: He's dead. He can't talk.

Miracle Max: Whoo-hoo-hoo, look who knows so much. It just so happens that your friend here is only MOSTLY dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive. With all dead, well, with all dead there's usually only one thing you can do.

Inigo Montoya: What's that?

Miracle Max: Go through his clothes and look for loose change. Hello, hey what's so important you living huh!?

Red Sox Nation: D-ivision...Ch-ampions...

Inigo Montoya: You heard him, he said Divison Champs!

Miracle Max: Sonny, Division Champs is the greatest thing, in the world-except for a nice MLT - mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, where the mutton is lean and the tomato is ripe [smacks his lips] they're so perky, I love that.

Inigo Montoya: But this is Steinbrenner's biggest enemy- If you heal him, he will stop Steinbrenner' Yankoffs.

Miracle Max: Wait. Wait. I make him better, Steinbrenner suffers?

Inigo Montoya: Humiliations galore!

Miracle Max: That is a noble cause. Give me the sixty-five, I'm on the job.

Inigo Montoya: Please sir, we must hurry.

Miracle Max: You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles.

Miracle Max: Have fun stormin' da Yankoffs.

Valerie: Think it'll work?

Miracle Max: It would take a miracle. Good-bye.


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