Barstool Sports

Friday, January 20, 2006

Bruins brewing for Hollywood finish?

So the Bruins won a second game in a row last night 5-2 in Philadelphia. It is only the 2nd time this season that the B's won back to back games...But being that the Pats are done and the sox are still over a month away before pitchers and catchers report to Fort Myers, your Uncle Buck and his always positive attitude has UB wondering what would it take to have a Hollywood finish to the 2005-06 season for the Big Bad Bruins (notice UB added 'Big'). After consulting a six pack of the greatest sports movies ever made, UB has come up with a list of criteria if the Bruins are going to get it done:

The Films:
Major League (1989)
Bad News Bears (1976)
Necessary Roughness (1991)
Hoosiers (1986)
The Natural (1984)
Slap Shot (1977)

Criteria #1: The Feisty Coach: Normally a coach who gets a 2nd chance, but has the brains and schemes to get the job done. Recruiting is also a big skill...

1. Major League: Lou Brown.

Charlie Donovan: How would you like to manage the Indians this year?

Lou Brown: Gee, I don't know...

Charlie Donovan: What do you mean, you don't know? This is your chance to manage in the big leagues.

Lou Brown: Let me get back to you, will ya, Charlie? I got a guy on the other line asking about some white walls.

2. Bad News Bears: Coach Morris Buttermaker.

Coach Morris Buttermaker: Now get back to the stands before I shave off half your mustache and shove it up your left nostril.

3. Necessary Roughness: Coach Ed Gennero/Coach Wally Rig:

Coach Rig: Not much of a crowd.

Coach Gennero: Well, at least we have the home field advantage.

Coach Rig: The Alamo was the home field.

4. Hoosiers: Coach Norman Dale:

Coach Norman Dale: If you put your effort and concentration into playing to your potential, to be the best that you can be, I don't care what the scoreboard says at the end of the game, in my book we're gonna be winners.

5. The Natural: Pop Fisher:

Pop Fisher: You know my mama wanted me to be a farmer.

Roy Hobbs: My dad wanted me to be a baseball player.

Pop Fisher: Well you're better than any player I ever had. And you're the best God damn hitter I ever saw. Suit up.

6. Slap Shot: Player/Coach Reg Dunlop:

Reggie Dunlop: I am personally placing a hundred-dollar bounty on the head of Tim McCracken. He's the head coach and chief punk on that Syracuse team.

Jim Carr: A bounty?

Reggie Dunlop: Yeah, one hundred bucks of my own money for the first of my men who really creams that guy.

Bruins Grade: D

Criteria #2: The Ringer/Diamond in the Ruff: This is the player who comes in midway through the year and gets things turned around with his/her amazing play...

1. Major League: Pitcher Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn: Rick didn't come in halfway through, he was there from the start, but the discovery of his vision problem resulted in the use of glasses and the birth of the controlled 100 mph fastball. In Major League each player has a diamond in the ruff talent, but since Vaughn is a pitcher, and doesn't have to hit, he is the Ringer. Willie Mays Hayes couldn't hit; Pedro Cerrano could only hit the fastball...you get the idea.

I look like a banker in this...

2. Bad News Bears: Centerfielder Kelly Leak: Kelly was the bad boy in town and only joined the Bears to tick off the parents in town.

Kelly: I got a Harley-Davidson. Does that turn you on? Harley-Davidson?

3. Necessary Roughness: Kicker Lucy Draper: Lucy, played by Kathy Ireland, is the only girl on this list. She came aboard when Coach Rig needed a field goal kicker. So he recruited the star player on the female soccer team. Lucy kicks the tying field goal in the 2nd to last game of the year. The score, 3-3 against Kansas. (UB knows that Paul Blake was the real ringer, but they didn't win squat until Lucy came aboard. Besides would you rather see a photo of Scott Bakula?

I'm an Armadillo just like the others.

4. Hoosiers: Forward Jimmy Chitwood: Jimmy stopped playing basketball for Hickory High after the coach died, and he let Myra Fleener run his life. After a slow start and a scheduled vote by the town to remove coach Dale, Jimmy joins the team and leads them in every category.

5. The Natural: Roy Hobbs: Roy is not exactly the life of the party but he can hit. The way the movie was cut it looks like he hits about .700 with 50 home runs in about half a season. Hobbs joined the New York Knights half way through their season after being given a contact from a Knights scout. Of course he is an old man by this point, having been derailed as a teenager thanks to a gun shot from a mysterious woman in black...WHO ALSO PLAYED MYRA FREENER! OH MY GOD FIRST JIMMY THEN ROY HOBBS! SHE'S OUT TO GET ALL THE GREATS!!!

Lucy Draper is next!!!

6. Slap Shot: The Hanson Brothers: Like Roy Hobbs a scout signs them, and like Roy the coach doesn't play them until he gets desperate. They fight more than they score but their arrival turns it around.

Eddie Shore? Old time hockey?

Bruins Grade: N/A

Criteria #3: Motivation: So what has these guys all riled up? It's normally a girl...

1. Major League: Jake Taylor's ex Lynn Wells: Jake tried to get back together with her after he returned to baseball, but she blew him off...until he spotted her in the stands one night.

2. Bad News Bears: Amanda Whurlitzer and To beat "Those Bastards!": When the season started Buttermaker took the job for a little extra cash. By the end of the year he realizes he can win the championship with Kelly and Amanda and shove it up the nose of the league that has laughed at and crapped on them all year. By the end he wants to make things right by Amanda.

Buttermaker convinces Amanda to give up her map selling job and join the Bears.

3. Necessary Roughness: Win one for Coach Gennero: The coach leaves the team before the last game to go to the emergency room...it turns out he had indigestion.

Coach Rig: YOU PLAY FOOTBALL LIKE ED GENERRO PLAYED FOOTBALL. A guy who gave his life for this football team. He was a 140-pound halfback, and HE PLAYED LIKE A GODDAMN WILDMAN! NO! LIKE A GODDAMN RAMPAGING BEAST! And that's the way you got to do it! YOU GO OUT THERE! YOU TEAR THEIR F*CKING HEADS OFF, AND YOU SH*T DOWN THEIR NECKS! Let us pray.

4. Hoosiers: For all the little schools that never had a chance to get here/For Everett Flatch's Dad/For Coach, "Who got us here.": Take your pick.

Now boys, don't get caught watching the paint dry!

5. The Natural: Iris Gaines: Roy lost touch with his teenage girlfriend Iris after getting shot. When she came to see him play in Chicago Roy remembered why he got back in the game and the slump ends with a dramatic game winning home run.

6. Slap Shot: Lily Braden and a chance for Reg to catch on somewhere else: Star player Ned Braden's wife leaves him but Ned wins her back with a strip show in the championship game. As for Reg he fakes a potential sale of the team to try and get a job somewhere else. But when they start winning he tries to make the move happen.

Bruins Grade: A + (Do it for the best fans in sports!)

Criteria #4: The Streak!

All of these teams: The Indians, Bears, Huskers, Knights and Chiefs all go on a winning streak to or through the playoffs leading up to a championship game. The Fighting Armadillos streak consists of a tie before playing a showdown game with the team they got in a bar room brawl with earlier in the film. "The by-god number one Texas Colts." UB can only guess that is why the rags to ritches story is harder with football. Necessary Roughness and the Longest Yard end with showdown games (TLY only had one game) and The Replacements involved putting a team together with two games left on the year. In Victory, the soccer movie with Sly Stallone and Pele, the team is assembled like the Mean Machine. At half time of the game against the Germans they are about to escape at half time, when they decide to for get the escape and "win the game!!" No one seems to notice they are getting killed at the time...Anyway they win and are allowed to walk out with the surging crowd...

Bruins Grade: N/A

Criteria #5: Winning in the End!

1. Major League: Winning the Division: The Tribe finish off the season beating the New York Yankoffs and capturing their first pennant since 1954.

2. Bad News Bears: Lose the game, but everyone plays: During the championship game Buttermaker realizes the error of his ways and puts in the scrubs so everyone will have a chance to play. It costs him the game when Kelly is thrown out at home. The Bears are beaten but Buttermaker gives them all beers for a good game.

Tanner: Hey Yankees... you can take your apology and your trophy and shove 'em strait up your ass!

3. Necessary Roughness: Grudge Match: The Fighting Armadillos get their revenge on the undefeated Colts with a last second touchdown pass from Paul Blake to Charlie Banks, who is wearing the #88, just like the dummy he threw passes to at the film's open...aw...

4. Hoosiers: State Champions: Coach Dale's boys come back in the final game of the state tournament, defeating South Bend Central on Jimmy's jumper from the top of the key. Just like in the real game...

5. The Natural: Game winning homer: Roy comes to the plate to face a young fireballer for the pennant. After breaking his bat, "Wonder Boy", he cranks the game winning homer into the lights with the bat he made with Bobby the bat boy, the "Savoy Special". (FYI in the book he takes the money from the judge and strikes out.)

6. Slap Shot: Fighting for the title: The Chiefs decide to stop their goon style of hockey and play it strait in the championship, but when they learn that scouts are out there they go back to brawling to the fans delight. When Ned sees his wife came to see the game he decides to do a strip dance. After an official gets punched the Chiefs are declared the winners.

So after reviewing these rags to ritches tales do the Bruins stand a chance?

...It doesn't look good...

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