Barstool Sports

Thursday, December 15, 2005

UB's top 5 Christmas Specials: # 2 Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Since it looks like your Uncle Buck may be heading out on a Christmas vacation next week he has to wrap up the Christmas specials list, so here is number 2, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

This is the king of Christmas specials, and once again this year it kicked off the season on CBS. Rudolph has the most quotable lines and best range of characters. It is also by far the best of the stop motion animation specials, beating out "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" and "The Year Without a Santa Claus." (No UB did not forget about "The Year Without a Santa Claus", quite frankly UB isn't a huge fan of that one. Sure the heat and cold miser songs are catchy, but that stupid kid with the bucked teeth drives UB crazy!)

The hour long special begins with spinning newspapers declaring the biggest snow storm in reported history...well it would have to be if it was the headline on papers from LA to NYC and still hit the NORTH POLE! This must have been the white out of all white outs...Anyway we meet a talking snowman, or is he Burl Ives in a mask, who tells us the story of Rudolph and how he "went down in his-tor-yyyy!"

So Donner and "Mrs. Donner" (is this her name? Are these reindeer from Alabama?) give birth to Rudolph (who should have been named Baby Donner) who has a mysterious red nose, no doubt a birth defect from coke that "Mrs. Donner's" did as a doe.

Mrs. Donner: He's got a shiny nose.

Donner: Shiny? I'd even say it glows.

In comes Santa who reminds UB of Hugh Hefner in this special...Look at this guy he goes around checking on his reindeer in his red smoking jacket. In the reindeer world, this guy is Hef...Everyone else who has a reindeer looks at him envious that "his" reindeer are the best around, flying around the world and all living at Santa's "mansion" in the North Pole.

Sorry about the Hef reference, but UB has been caught up in watching E!'s "The Girls Next Door" on On Demand...

After Rudolph grows up a little he tries out for the reindeer team, and a meeting with a Doe named Clarice ("Hello Clarice") gets him to fly high, impressing his coach.

Rudolph: Hey, Clarice? After practice, would you... would you...

Comet the Coach: Rudolph! You get back here! It's your turn, you know!

Rudolph: Gee, I gotta go back! [starts to run off but then runs back]

Rudolph: Would you go out with me?

Clarice: Uh-huh. Rudolph? I think you're cute.

Rudolph: [jumping around] I'm cude! I'm CUDE!

Of course after impressing Comet with the big time flying Rudolph's fake nose falls off and the bastard that coach Comet is, he kicks Rudolph out, telling the rest of the deer, "from now on gang we won't let Rudolph play in any reindeer games!"

Rudolph: What do you want?

Clarice: You promised to walk me home.

Rudolph: Aren't you going to laugh at my nose too?

Clarice: I think it's a handsome nose. Much better than that false one.

Rudolph: It's terrible... and different from everybody else's!

Clarice: But that's what makes it so grand. You should be lucky to have a nose like that.

Rudolph: Yeah? But I wasn't very lucky today, was I?

From here Rudolph and the rest of us are subjected to Clarice singing "There's always tomorrow, for dreams to come true...". Now UB is wondering, what kind of song is this? Is she trying to inspire Rudolph with a song designed for slackers? "Should I get off my butt, put down this beer and find a job? Nah, "There's always tomorrow, for dreams to come true..."

After Clarice's dad shows up and tells Rudolph to beat it, Rudolph runs into Hermey, who is hiding in a snow bank after being booted from the elfs for wanting to be a dentist...Makes sense...

Hermey: Hey, what do you say we both be independent together, huh?

Rudolph: You wouldn't mind my red nose?

Hermey: Not if you don't mind me being a dentist.

Rudolph: It's a deal.

Together: [singing] Why am I such a misfit? I am not just a nit-wit.

After hitting the road they run into Yukon Cornelius who is in search of silver and gold...

Cue Burl Ives: Silver and gold, silver and gold...

Suddenly they are threatened by the Abominable snow monster of the north that Yukon dubs the Bumble...Oh yeah and since Bumbles sink, the three escape on a chunk of ice...

...and they land on the Island of Misfit Toys, which over the years has become a symbol for misfits groups all over the world, you know who you are...The "Charlie in the Box" leads them up to the Lion King (hey is this a Disney presentation?) who tells the three that these toys are unloved by children and are forced to live here.

So who is on this island? A pok-a-doted elephant, a train with square wheels, a water gun that shoots jelly, a bird that swims and a doll with an STD...

Rudolph knows that his red nose is still causing all the problems, so he goes to fight the snow monster alone...along the way he grows up some more and discovers that his girlfriend, mom and dad have gone to look for him but are all trapped in the snow monster's cave...

Sam the Snowman: Old Donner felt pretty bad about the way he had treated Rudolph, and he decided the only thing to do was to go out and look for his little buck. Mrs. Donner wanted to go along, naturally, but Donner said...

Donner: No. This is man's work. (Hear that all the little girls watching...)

Sam the Snowman: And no sooner did the man of the house leave when Mrs. Donner and Clarice decided to set out on their own. Now they were really taking their chances.

To make a long posting short, Yukon and Hermey show up and save the day, with Hermey pulling the monster's teeth out...Then comes the best of the many sexest lines in the special with the snowman saying "They realized the best thing to do was to get the women back to Christmas town..." hahaha that line always cracks UB up...

Of course in the rescue attempt Yukon is thought to have been killed but he reforms the Bumble...

Rudolph: But you fell off the edge of the cliff.

Yukon Cornelius: Didn't I ever tell you about Bumbles? Bumbles bounce.

...and helps get him a job putting the star on the top of Santa's Christmas tree. Which led to other endorsement opportunities:


Oh no! The snow storm won't let up so Santa calls on the now useful Rudolph to lead the pack...that's when Rudolph tells Claus to stick it up his chimbly!!! Just kidding he leads Santa thru the muck, saving Christmas...

Santa Claus: From what I see now, that will cut through the murkiest storm they can dish up. What I'm trying to say is, Rudolph, with your nose so bright, won't you guide my sleigh tonight?

Rudolph: It will be an honor, sir. (Dork)

And on the way they pick up the diseased toys and drop them off to the Jewish kids...

Merry Christmas from a now fat, and non-nose biased Santa...


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