Barstool Sports

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Save the Panda

Well it is do or die time for the rare Massachusetts Panda and his chowdahead friends this weekend as your Uncle Buck and the crew head to Las Vegas for the bachelor party that is sure to be a shameful display of debauchery that would rival anything you might see in Caligula or a Best of Cops DVD.

Background: With the announcement of the impending nuptials between our beloved Panda and his bride-to-be Katie, UB and the boys voted on Las Vegas as the bachelor party destination, having already suffered through Montreal, Atlantic City, New York City, Boston, and Rhode Island's infamous The Foxy Lady. Taking the lead Crazy Cousin booked suites at Mandalay Bay and has arranged for visits to The Spearmint Rhino and Tryst.

Tale of the Tape:

Name: Crazy Cousin Dinj

AKA: Super Crazy, The Predator

Prediction: As the best man Super Crazy will shock the boys by putting Pan ahead of little least until Pan goes to bed at 11pm...

Chances of being locked up: 25/1

Vegas Rating (Drinking + lusting + gambling/maturity): 3 of 5

Celebrity look-a-like: Balki Bartokomous

Name: Griff

AKA: Griff-ah, Stupid Gay Griff

Prediction: Away from the wife (not pictured) SGG will most likely blow a good amount of money at the casino. The boys fear SGG drinking too much as he likes to use police restraining moves while drunk.

Chances of being locked up: 100/1

Vegas Rating: 3 of 5

Celebrity look-a-like: Brian Griffin

Name: Bone

AKA: Boner, Bonehead

Prediction: Bone is the powder, Gaylicks is the fuse. Put them together and you get an explosion. Ever since G-Licks moved to LA, Boner has been counting the days to the reunion.

Odds of being locked up: 10/1

Vegas Rating: 4 of 5

Celebrity look-a-like: Boner from Growing Pains

Name: Gaylicks

AKA: L-Dude, Licks

Prediction: As a Vegas vet, L-Dude is the wild card. With the addition of Boner UB has to wonder which craving will conquer L-Dude this time around? The quest for late night companionship or a hot pastrami sandwich...

Odds of being locked up: Even

Vegas rating: 5 of 5

Celebrity look-a-like: Beetlejuice from the Howard Stern Show

Name: Meusy

AKA: Lio, Linus

Prediction: Like SGG, Meusy is on the loosey. UB understands he packed a carton of cigarettes with his underwear, flask of whisky and "100 Ways to Beat the House" book.

Odds of being locked up: 7/1

Vegas Rating: 5 of 5

Celebrity look-a-like: Skeletor (w/glasses)

Name: Little Tick

AKA: Very Tiny Tick, MicroTick

Prediction: Tick is never shy about throwing money around, whether it is in the casino or chatting with a working girl. If his eyes are half way shut then he's half way done.

Odds of being locked up: 15/1

Vegas Rating: 5 of 5

Celebrity look-a-like: The annoying red head from Entourage

Name: Uncle Buck


Prediction: Pain

Odds of being arrested: 3/1

Vegas Rating: 4 of 5

Celebrity look-a-like: John Candy

Name: Panda

AKA: Pandamania, the bachelor

Prediction: Normally it would be Pan organizing this whole thing. Since it is not and the boys will be pumping him full of booze for 60 hours in a row, UB has to guess he will end up nude with a napkin over his crotch.

Odds of being arrested: Normally: 50/1, This Weekend: 2/1

Vegas Rating: Normally: 2 of 5, This Weekend: 5 of 5

Celebrity look-a-like: Ling-Ling the Chinese panda


At 11:54 AM, Anonymous Baltimore Nightlife said...

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At 2:40 PM, Anonymous Top Music Charts said...

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