Barstool Sports

Saturday, December 17, 2005

UB's top 5 Christmas Movies: The Best and Worst of the Rest

Your Uncle Buck is leaving on a Christmas Vacation tonight, so he's hoping to whip up this list before then...Here are some Christmas offerings the good and the bad:

The Good:

ELF (2003)

Buddy: Actually, I'm a human, but I was raised by elves.

Papa Elf: Oh, hello. You're, uh, you're probably here about the story. Elves love to tell stories. I-I'll bet you didn't know that about elves. There's, uh, probably a lot of things you didn't know about elves. Another, another interesting, uh, elfism, uh, there are only three jobs available to an elf. The first is making shoes at night while, you know, while the old cobbler sleeps.

Disgruntled Cobbler Elf: Lazy bum! Couldn't even make a clog!

Papa Elf: You can bake cookies in a tree. As you can imagine, it's, uh, dangerous having an oven in an oak tree during the dry season. But the third job, some call it, uh, "the show" or "the big dance," it's the profession that every elf aspires to. And that is to build toys in Santa's workshop.

Emily: We can't just throw him out in the snow.

Walter: Why not? He loves the snow. He's told me 15 times.

Gimbel's Manager: This, is the North Pole.

Buddy: No it isn't.

Gimbel's Manager: Yes it is.

Buddy: No it isn't.

Gimbel's Manager: Yes it is!

Buddy: No it isn't! Where's the snow?

Gimbel's Manager: Why are you smiling like that?

Buddy: I just like to smile, smiling's my favorite

The Family Man (2000)

Jack: I'm in the middle of a deal!

Cash: Well, you're working on a new deal now, baby.

Kate: How can you do that?

Jack: What?

Kate: Look at me like you haven't seen me every day for the last 13 years.

(Of course the best part of the movie is looking at Téa Leoni...)

Home Alone (1990)

Kevin McCallister: This house is so full of people it makes me sick. When I grow up I'm living alone! I'm living alone! I'm living alone!

Harry: [sitting outside the McCallister house] I don't get it. I mean right now it looks like there's nobody home. Last night the place was jumping. Something ain't right. Go check it out.

Marv: [Stares blankly] Now?

Harry: No tomorrow, egghead. NOW! GO AHEAD. "Now".

Harry: We'll go thru the back. Maybe the kid will let us in, you never know.

Marv: Yeah. He's a kid. Kids are stupid.

Love Actually (2003)

Prime Minister: Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around.

Stacey: [points to beer bottle] How do you say this one?

Colin: Uh, Bottle.

Stacey, Jeannie, Carol-Anne: [giggling, mimicking accent] BOHT-el!

Jeannie: [points to straw] How 'bout this?

Colin: Straw.

Stacey, Jeannie, Carol-Anne: [mimicking accent] Strohw!

Carol-Anne: [points to table] And this?

Colin: Table.

Stacey, Jeannie, Carol-Anne: [starting to repeat] Tab - Oh, the same. It's the same. [Colin nods apologetically]

Apparently adult film actors celebrate Christmas too...

The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)

Gonzo: I am here to tell the story.

Rizzo the Rat: And I am here for the food.

Gonzo: My name is Charles Dickens.

Rizzo the Rat: And my name is Rizzo the Rat... wait a second! You're not Charles Dickens!

Gonzo: I am too!

Rizzo the Rat: No! A blue furry Charles Dickens who hangs out with a rat?

Gonzo: Absolutely!

Rizzo the Rat: Charles Dickens was a 19th Centurynovelistt! A genius!

Gonzo: Why, thank you.

The Ref (1994)

Gus: From now on, the only person who gets to yell is me. Why? Because I have a gun. People with guns get to do whatever they want. Married people without guns - for instance - you - DO NOT get to yell. Why? NO GUNS! No guns, no yelling. See? Simple little equation.

White Christmas (1954)

Phil Davis: When what's left of you gets around to what's left to be gotten, what's left to be gotten won't be worth getting, whatever it is you've got left.

The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)

Kid: Santa?

Jack Skellington: Merry Christmas! And what is your name? Kid: uh... uh...

Jack Skellington: That's all right. I have a present for you anyway. Merry Christmas! [slips out the chimney]

Mother: And what did Santa bring you, Honey? [kid shows parents his present - a shrunken head; parents scream]

The Bad:

Santa Claus: The Movie (1985)

Although UB did have a crush on the red-haired girl...

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)

Hung by the Children with care?

The Santa Clause (1994)

Tim Allen as Santa, no.

Jack Frost (1998)

Rory Buck: A snowdad is better then no dad.

Miracle on 34th Street (1994)

Jingle All the Way (1996)

Reindeer Games (2000)

Surviving Christmas (2004)

Trapped in Paradise (1994)


At 7:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cool list. Here is a suggestion for a new Christmas movie released last year. "The Happy Elf" is an animated story that follows an elf trying to bring Christmas to a sad town. Check it out.


Post a Comment

<< Home

Uncle Buck

Moments of Zen!