Barstool Sports

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

'Cause I'm a karate man, see! And a karate man bruises on the inside!

So the Red Sox take one on the chin from those damn Blue Jays who are now 9-4 against us this season, and fall to 2.5 ahead of the Yankoffs...What can UB do to cheer himself up? How about a little Trading Places?:

Hey baby, whats happenin? I know what you thinkin baby, once you have a man with no legs, there's no goin back...We can make it baby! Me and you!... Ya BITCH!

I can see!!

Randolph Duke: Mother always said you were greedy. Mortimer Duke: She meant it as a compliment.

Do you realize where I've been? Those men wanted to have sex with me!

Billy Ray Valentine: Hey that's the motherf- I mean... that's the gentleman that got me me arrested.

He was wearing my Harvard tie. Can you believe it? My Harvard tie. Like oh, sure he went to Harvard.

By the way, food and rent are not the only things that cost money around here.

And pork bellies, which are used to make bacon, which you might find in a bacon and lettuce and tomato sandwich...

"Hey, we're losing all our damn money, and Christmas is around the corner, and I ain't gonna have no money to buy my son the G.I. Joe with the kung-fu grip! And my wife ain't gonna f... my wife ain't gonna make love to me if I got no money!" So they're panicking right now, they're screaming "SELL! SELL!"

Louis Winthorpe III: Fifty bucks? No, no, no. This is a Rouchefoucauld. The finest water-resistant watch in the world. Singularly unique, sculptured in design, hand-crafted in Switzerland and water resistant to three atmospheres. This is *the* sports watch of the '80s. Six thousand, nine hundred and fifty five dollars retail! Pawnbroker: You got a receipt? Louis Winthorpe III: It tells time simultaneously in Monte Carlo, Beverley Hills, London, Paris, Rome and Gstaad. Pawnbroker: In Philadelphia it's worth 50 bucks.

I had the most absurd nightmare. I was poor and no one liked me. I lost my job, I lost my house, Penelope hated me and it was all because of this terrible, awful Negro.

Please to help me with my hopsack?

There's enough drunks on this train already.

Louis Winthorpe III: Think big, think positive, never show any sign of weakness. Always go for the throat. Buy low, sell high. Fear? That's the other guy's problem. Nothing you have ever experienced will prepare you for the unlimited carnage you are about to witness. Superbowl, World Series - they don't know what pressure is. In this building, it's either kill or be killed. You make no friends in the pits and you take no prisoners. One moment you're up half a mil in soybeans and the next, boom, your kids don't go to college and they've repossessed your Bentley. Are you with me? Billy Ray Valentine: Yeah, we got to kill the mother - we got to kill 'em!

Hey how'd you all make out today?

Louis: Looking good, Billy Ray! Billy Ray: Feeling good, Louis!


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