Barstool Sports

Thursday, December 22, 2005

"Jesus" shaves: The Idiot leaves for New York

The face of the Red Sox 2004 is gone, headed to New York City to play for the Yankoffs in 2006. After UB went through hell trying to get a plane from Baltimore to Boston yesterday, here was his reaction to Damon leaving:

1. Denial: What? No, that didn't happen, he didn't sign, he wouldn't do that...

2. Anger: Damnit!!! How could they let this happen!!!!!!

3. Bargaining: Well if they sign player X, Y or Z it will be fine, besides he had a weak arm and was beat up after last year.

4. Depression: We're so screwed, we can't replace him in the line up, not this far into the off season...

5. Acceptance: F*ck.

Obviously UB is kidding, but the failure of the Red Sox to sign Damon now opens 2 holes on the team, a top notch lead off man and speedy centerfielder. And for what? to save a few million dollars a year? UB has to think had the Red Sox upped the offer a bit they would have landed Damon, maybe not, but once again a fractured front office has let a top level star get away. Co-GMs Jed Hoyer and Ben Cherington were caught sleeping at the switch and that deceives Larry Lucchino should be fired. UB wants to start a "Fire Lucchino" campaign like the one fans have going on in Detroit for Matt Millen.

But while Johnny shaves away his beard and looks to make a name for himself in NYC, UB can only compare this transformation to that of Superman in Superman II.

The bearded caveman, Jesus look-a-like, Johnny Damon was a Boston Icon, the man that broke "the Curse" and had his face plastered all over newspapers, magazines and in movies across the country as the symbol of the Red Sox. In New York, clean shaven, he will be just another over paid ball player. Oh, don't get UB wrong, UB will not forget what Damon did while in Boston, none bigger than Game 7 in the ALAS and his play in the World Series. But if Damon thinks he will get bigger movie deals and more media attention as a Yankoff, he's wrong. Johnny's appearance as an out of control rock star of baseball is not possible in NY, where the Yankoffs have plenty of stars, and he will have to be clean shaven. Sure he will still be able to produce, but he will not be able to pull in those out of office dollars as he did in Boston. After taxes the Yankoffs will give Damon about 6 million dollars more than the Red Sox offer total, that's money that Johnny could have made as the rock star in Boston that he won't make in New York. UB has to believe that Johnny, and especially his wanna-be famous wife Michelle are hoping Johnny's star will burn brighter in New York City...sorry, but it's not gonna happen.

"Um, Regis and Kelly just canceled."

So UB says goodbye to Johnny Damon, you'll always be remembered as a fan favorite, the caveman rock star, and you could have been remembered forever as a baseball god, instead you're just another player who couldn't resist the big money offer from New York.

Didn't matter. It didn't mean anything. When I was broke, I'd go out and rob some more. We ran everything. We paid off cops. We paid off lawyers. We paid off judges. Everybody had their hands out. Everything was for the taking. And now it's all over. And that's the hardest part. Today everything is different; there's no action... have to wait around like everyone else. Can't even get decent food - right after I got here, I ordered some spaghetti with marinara sauce, and I got egg noodles and ketchup. I'm an average nobody... get to live the rest of my life like a schnook.


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