Barstool Sports

Thursday, December 22, 2005

UB's top 5 Christmas Movies

Well it is time to unveil your Uncle Buck's top 5 Christmas movies, just before he heads off on his own Christmas Vacation. Here are some scenes and favorite quotes that should put you in the holiday spirit.

#5: A Christmas Story

Ralphie as Adult: Oh, life is like that. Sometimes, at the height of our revalries, when our joy is at it's zenith, when all is most right with the world, the most unthinkable disasters descend upon us.

Ralphie as Adult: Meanwhile, I struggled for exactly the right BB gun hint. It had to be firm, but subtle.

Ralphie: Flick says he saw some grizzly bears near Pulaski's candy store! [everyone stares at Ralphie]

Ralphie as Adult: They looked at me as if I had lobsters crawling out of my ears.

Ralphie as Adult: Getting ready to go to school was like getting ready for extended deep-sea diving.

Flick: Are you kidding? Stick my tongue to that stupid pole? That's dumb!

Schwartz: That's 'cause you know it'll stick!

Flick: You're full of it!

Schwartz: Oh yeah?

Flick: Yeah!

Schwartz: Well I double-DOG-dare ya!

Ralphie as Adult: NOW it was serious. A double-dog-dare. What else was there but a "triple dare ya"? And then, the coup de grace of all dares, the sinister triple-dog-dare.

Schwartz: I TRIPLE-dog-dare ya!

Ralphie as Adult: Schwartz created a slight breach of etiquette by skipping the triple dare and going right for the throat!

Ralphie as Adult: The old man stood there, quivering with fury, stammering as he tried to come up with a real crusher. All he got out was...

Ralphie's Father: Notafinga!

Santa: You'll shoot you're eye out kid!

#4: Scrooged

Ghost of Christmas Past: Let's face it, Frank. Garden slugs got more out of life than you.

Frank Cross: Yeah? Name one.

Lew Hayward: I was a captain of industry, feared by men, adored by women.

Frank Cross: ADORED? C'mon, let's be honest, Lew. You PAID for the women.

James Cross: You know what they say about people who treat other people bad on the way up?

Frank Cross: Yeah, you get to treat 'em bad on the way back down too. It's great, you get two chances to rough 'em up.

Frank Cross: I get it, you're here to show me my past and I'm supposed to get all dully eyed and mushy. Well forget it pal, you got the wrong guy.

Ghost of Christmas Past: That's exactly what Atilla the Hun said. But when he saw his mother, Niagara Falls.

Frank Cross: Well I don't believe this. It says there is a place you can touch a woman that will make her bark like a dog!?

Claire: Woof woof!

Ghost of Christmas Present: You know I like the rough stuff, don't you Frank?

Frank Cross: I'm gonna give you a little advice Claire. Scrape 'em off. You wanna save somebody? Save yourself.

Claire: Oh well that's a really nice attitude. Merry Christmas.

Frank Cross: Bah humbug.

Frank Cross: What are you saying? That I've died?

Frank Cross: I'm ALIVE!

Elliot: [cocks a shotgun and aims it at Frank] Not for long.

Frank Cross: Did I forget something big man?

Calvin: God bless us, everyone.

#3 Christmas Vacation

Clark: Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f*cking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.

Eddie: You surprised to see us, Clark?

Clark: Oh, Eddie... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.

Todd: Hey Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?

Clark: Bend over and I'll show you.

Todd: You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that Griswold.

Clark: I wasn't talking to you.

Ellen: What are you looking at?

Clark: Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer... [Eddie, in the driveway, is draining the RV's toilet]

Eddie: Sh*tter was full.

Clark: Ah, yeah. You checked our sh*tters, honey?

Aunt Bethany: Don't throw me down, Clark.

Clark: I'll try not to, Aunt Bethany...

Aunt Bethany: Is this the airport, Clark?

Aunt Bethany: Is Rusty still in the navy?

Clark: Hey, Kids, I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted Santa's sleigh on it's way in from New York City.

Eddie: [after a pause] You serious, Clark?

#2 Miracle on 34th Street

Doris: Would you please tell her that you're not really Santa Claus, that actually is no such person?

Kris Kringle: Well, I hate to disagree with you, but not only IS there such a person, but here I am to prove it.

Kris Kringle: Now wait a minute, Susie. Just because every child can't get his wish that doesn't mean there isn't a Santa Claus.

Kris Kringle: No, but don't you see, dear? Some children wish for things they couldn't possibly use like real locomotives or B-29s.

Fred Gailey: All my life I've wondered something, and now's my chance to find out. I'm going to find the answer to a question that's puzzled the world for centuries. Does Santa Claus sleep with his whiskers outside or in?

Kris Kringle: Always sleep with them out. Cold air makes them grow.

Mr. Shellhammer: But... but maybe he's only a little crazy like painters or composers or... or some of those men in Washington.

Doris Walker: I was wrong when I told you that, Susie. You must believe in Mr. Kringle and keep right on doing it. You must have faith in him.

Fred Gailey: Your honor every one of these letters is addressed to Santa Claus. The Post Office has delivered them. Therefore, the Post Office Department, a branch of the Federal Government, declares this man, Kris Kringle, to be the one and only Santa Claus.

Judge: Since the United States government declares this man to be Santa Claus, this court will not dispute it, case dismissed.

#1 It's a Wonderful Life

Clarence: Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?

George Bailey: What is it you want, Mary? What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down. Hey. That's a pretty good idea. I'll give you the moon, Mary.

Mary: I'll take it. Then what?

George Bailey: Well, then you can swallow it, and it'll all dissolve, see... and the moonbeams would shoot out of your fingers and your toes and the ends of your hair... am I talking too much?

George Bailey: You sit around here and you spin your little webs and you think the whole world revolves around you and your money. Well, it doesn't, Mr. Potter. In the whole vast configuration of things, I'd say you were nothing but a scurvy little spider. And... [turning to his aide]

George Bailey: And that goes for you, too!

George Bailey: [yelling at Uncle Billy] Where's that money, you silly stupid old fool? Where's that money? Do you realize what this means? It means bankruptcy and scandal and prison. That's what it means. One of us is going to jail - well, it's not gonna be me.

George Bailey: Oh, I don't know. Either I'm off my nut, or he is... [to Clarence]

George Bailey: ... or you are!

Clarence: It isn't me!

Nick: Hey look, mister - we serve hard drinks in here for men who want to get drunk fast, and we don't need any characters around to give the joint "atmosphere". Is that clear, or do I have to slip you my left for a convincer?

George Bailey: [praying] Clarence! Clarence! Help me, Clarence! Get me back! Get me back, I don't care what happens to me! Get me back to my wife and kids! Help me Clarence, please! Please! I wanna live again. I wanna live again. Please, God, let me live again.

Harry Bailey: Good idea Ernie, a toast to my big brother George, the richest man in town!

Clarence: Remember, George: no man is a failure who has friends


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