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Friday, December 15, 2006

The 12 Biggest Dicks of Christmas

For every George Bailey and Clark W. Grizwold who help fill the world with Christmas cheer every December, there are those who treat them like total dicks. So here is UB's list of the Top 12 Dicks of Christmas:

12. Dist. Atty. Thomas Mara– Miracle on 34th Street
Charges: Putting Santa Claus on trial for lunacy days before Christmas
How it plays out: Thanks to inventive Defense Attorney Fred Gailey and a lazy post office branch, Santa gets off.
Memorable Quote:
Mrs. Mara: "Sometimes I wish I married a butcher or a plumber."
District Attorney Mara: "My dear, if I lose this hearing, you may very well get your wish."

11. Scut Farkus – A Christmas Story
Charges: School bully who chases and beats on Ralphie and his friends in A Christmas Story.
How it plays out: Ralphie snaps and kicks the crap out of Scut Farkus.
Memorable Quote: Ralphie as an Adult: "Scut Farkus! What a rotten name! There he stood, between us and the alley. Scut Farkus staring out at us with his yellow eyes. He had yellow eyes! So, help me, God! Yellow eyes! "

10. Harry Bailey - It's a Wonderful Life
: After having his life saved by big brother George, Harry uses his brother’s college money after their father dies, then after graduation as he’s supposed to relieve George at the savings and loan, he shows up married and with a job working for his new father-in-law.
How it plays out: Being stuck with the burden of running the Savings and Loan and dealing with retarded Uncle Billy, George gets in financial trouble and thinks about killing himself. Of course George is saved by a guardian angel looking to earn some wings, but just as the town bails George out here comes Harry, now a war hero, to deliver the line that makes everyone cry…
Memorable Quote: “Good idea Ernie, a toast. To my big brother George, the richest man in town!”

9. Elf Boss – Rudolph the Red Nosed-Reindeer
Charges: Too hard on the other elves, particularly an elf named Hermey who just wants to be a dentist.
How it plays out: After helping to save Christmas, Hermey gets his revenge by giving his former boss a series of painful root canals.
Memorable Quote: “You’ll NEVER fit in!”
8. Lucy – A Charlie Brown Christmas
Charges: While technically a bitch, she picked the biggest loser in school and making him the director of the Christmas play.
How it plays out: Everyone laughs at Charlie Brown, Lucy calls him a blockhead for picking out a crappy tree.
Memorable Quote:
Lucy Van Pelt: I know how you feel about all this Christmas business, getting depressed and all that. It happens to me every year. I never get what I really want. I always get a lot of stupid toys or a bicycle or clothes or something like that. Charlie Brown: What is it you want? Lucy Van Pelt: Real estate.

7. Scrooge - A Christmas Carol/Frank Cross – Scrooged
Charges: The boss from hell treats his Number 2 like Number 2, buries his partner at sea, picks money over love and blows off charities. And in the case of Frank Cross, produces a LIVE version of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol on Christmas Eve.
How it plays out: After being visited by two ghosts that show Scrooge/Frank the error of his ways, a 3rd ghost scares him strait, prompting him to give his Number 2 a raise and try and make up for being such a dick.
Memorable Quote: Bah, humbug.

6. The Grinch - How the Grinch Stole Christmas
Charges: Hates his neighbors the Whos, who drive him nuts every year at Christmas with all the noise their new toys make, prompting him to rob them of all of their possessions, while dressed as Santa Claus.
How it plays out: The Grinch marches to the top of a nearby mountain to dump all the loot, when he hears the Whos singing anyway. He finally snaps and decides to give all the toys back before carving the roast beast.
Memorable Quote: Grinch: I must stop this whole thing! Why, for fifty-three years I've put up with it now. I must stop Christmas from coming... but how?

5. Professor Hinkle – Frosty the Snowman
Charges: Knowingly murders Frosty on two occasions just so he can get his magic hat back.
How it plays out: Hinkle is reprimanded by Santa who brings Frosty back to life.
Memorable Quote: “I must get that hat back! Think nasty, think nasty, think nasty!”

4. Frank Shirley – Christmas Vacation
Charges: The boss of Clark W. Grizwold suspends Christmas Bonuses for his employees so he can have a “healthy bottom line.”
How it plays out: Shirley is kidnapped by Clark’s cousin-in-law whose heart is bigger than his brain. After getting an earful from Clark he decides to re-instate all the bonuses.
Memorable Quote: Clark: “Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey sh*t he is. Hallelujah. Holy sh*t. Where's the Tylenol?”

Bonus: Clark gets his bonus:

3. The Guy at the Inn
Charges: Forcing the parents of our lord and savior to deliver their baby in barn because he doesn’t have any more rooms available.
How it plays out: Jesus gets his revenge, becoming the most influential person in human history.
Memorable Quote: “Well, you can sleep in the barn, but I’ll have to charge you the room rate.”
2. Mr. Potter – It's a Wonderful Life
Charges: The richest man in Bedford Falls tries throughout his life to take control of the one business he doesn’t already control: The Bailey Savings and Loan. After old man Bailey dies (it was never clear if Potter played a role in that one), he goes after the new head George Bailey. When retarded Uncle Billy accidentally slips Potter $8,000, Potter keeps the cash, nearly leading to George committing suicide.
How it plays out: George gets the support of his friends to get out of debt, while Potter keeps the cash, but is still stuck in a wheelchair.
Memorable Quote: Mr. Potter: [to George Bailey] "Look at you. You used to be so cocky. You claimed you were going to go out and conquer the world. You once called me "a warped, frustrated, old man!" Who are you but a warped, frustrated young man, crawling in here on your hands and knees begging for help. No securities, no stocks, no bonds. Nothin' but a miserable little $500 equity in a life insurance policy. You're worth more dead than alive."

Click here to see SNL's Lost Ending to It's a Wonderful Life where Potter gets his...

1. Santa Claus – Frosty/T’was the Night Before Christmas/Rudolph
Charges: Besides leaving the occasional kid coal in his stocking, the big jolly man in the bright red suit has had his share of dick-moves in Christmas specials:

T’was the Night Before Christmas: Decides to blow off a small town on Christmas because of a letter printed in the opinion section of the local paper saying he doesn’t exist. Goes as far as to send the children’s letters back to them unopened.

Frosty the Snowman: Check out the clip above at 6:21...This Santa appears to be a nice guy…Brings Frosty back to life, gives Karen a ride home…There’s only one problem…HE LEFT HER ON THE F-ING ROOF OF HER HOUSE!! How is she supposed to get down from there? What a dick.

Memorable Quote: Professor Hinkle: [after seeing that Santa Claus has brought Frosty back to life] That's my hat and I want it back. Santa Claus: DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH THAT.

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer: Tells Rudolph’s father Donner that he, “should be ashamed of yourself” for having a child with a deformity.
Memorable Quote: "Too bad he had a nice take off too."


At 5:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I do not think Santa saying "You should be ashamed of yourself" was as you said it was. I believe it was more over the fact that his father had covered his nose to hide the glow, as if the father was ashamed of it.

At 5:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hans Gruber?

At 6:06 PM, Blogger Uncle Buck said...

If Santa thought Donner should be ashamed for putting the cover on Rudy's nose why did he say, "too bad he had a nice take off too..."? If Santa could look past the nose he would have just snapped him up in the upcoming Reindeer Draft...

At 7:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

uh I'm sure it SCOT farkus not scut
i don't know anyone named scut

At 7:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You could almost fill the list with Wonderful Lifers. The guy who pushes Potter's wheelchair knows about all the dirt Potter does but just enables it. Silence implies consent, cock. And Uncle Billy is the drunk douche who ruins everything, loses 8 large bragging on his nephew and even blows off George's wedding. Which was in the morning, on a weekday. Hmm. George is kind of a putz too.

At 8:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

my christmas is a little less bright, thank you so much

At 11:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nope. It's Scut. Just another reason why he was a freak.


At 12:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What about The Burgermeister Meisterburger? He made toys verboten!

At 3:11 PM, Blogger Brian said...

Anonymous said...
Hans Gruber?

Hahahaha...Didnt think of that one

And to:

Anonymous said...
my christmas is a little less bright, thank you so much

...Then you shouldn't have read it...And you can shove it up your stocking. Merry Christmas!

At 5:08 PM, Blogger Uncle Buck said...

Yeah Hans Gruber would have been a good one as would have Elliot, maybe he and Uncle Billy should lead my list of Christmas Dumbasses...While Holly and Donna Reed top the list of Christmas Tail...As for Burgermeister Meisterburger he was a dick, but his dickness led to the creation of Santa Claus so how bad could he be...

At 11:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What about Bergermeister?

At 4:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bergermeister SHOULD be there. But I thought that Ruldolph clip was hilarious, showing all of Santa's terrible mannerisms. Too funny...

At 4:19 PM, Anonymous said...

This will not actually have effect, I think so.


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