Barstool Sports

Friday, December 30, 2005

Friday fwds: The best of 2005

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Turn on the lights, vacation's over

Well your Uncle Buck's Christmas vacation is over, it's back to full time Chowdaheads fun, and what a better way to kick off the final few days of 2005 than to look back at what has been going on since UB went on vacation...

First up, the Patriots closed out Monday Night Football with a 31-21 win over the Jets in the alcohol-free Giants Stadium. Tom Brady threw 3 TD passes (one to Ty Law, ugh) as the offense dominated the game, including a drive at the start of the 3rd quarter that ate up over 9 minutes.

On the flip side the defense continued their new plan of rush and attack on QBs, not allowing the Jets to get a 1st down until late in the 3rd quarter.

The only problem with Monday's win was Teddy Bruschi was injured. Of course the extent of the injury has not been released, but he did walk out of the locker room under his own power, which was a good sign.

It looks like Ty Law had one too many Christmas cookies before the game...

No beer and no beer make UB something, something...

Also this week Boston College won the Blue Turf Bowl, aka the ugh MPC Computers Bowl. The 27-21 win over Boise State in Boise, Idaho, ends a disappointing year for BC where they lost to # 8 Florida State before getting blown out by #3 Virginia Tech then losing at unranked North Carolina the following week.

The ugliest field in sports...

...woops make that the 2nd ugliest field in sports.

Meanwhile, former Red Sox closer Jeff Reardon was arrested in Florida for robbing a jewelry store. Reardon, who retired since 1994 and sixth in career saves, blamed his arrest on medication he was taking for depression. It was sad to read about Reardon's downfall, the death of his son in 2004. Amazingly the 1st thing that struck UB about the story was the fact that he still had his trademark beard after all these years.

On a positive note, UB has learned that Elisha Cuthbert will return to her role as Kim Bauer on Fox's "24". It is good to see her returning, as it looks like she'll be a part of the final 12 hours, but UB is hopefull she will be in a better role than being attacked by mountain lions.

Monday, December 26, 2005

Patriots Week 16: Pats close out MNF

Turn out the lights, the party's over, they say that all good things must end...That's right it is the end of Monday Night Football on network television. One of the longest running shows in the history of TV will end tonight as the Patriots take on the Jets in New Jersey.

The show was a cultural phenomenon when it first debut in 1970 and throughout the decade and it changed the way sports were shown on television.

Some of the moments in the show's history that UB thinks of when he looks back includes a game between the Miami Dolphins and Patriots when Howard Cosell broke the news of John Lennon's murder and when Cosell got drunk during a broadcast in Philadelphia. He actually had to be removed from the broadcast in the middle of the game. Too funny. The greatest game in Monday Night Football history for many was when the Dolphins defeated the eventual Super Bowl Champion Chicago Bears, and their 46 defense, in 1985. It was the Bears only loss of the season.

Since then the show has become more watered down, with Al Michaels being the constant, changing partners that have included Dennis Miller and most recently John Madden "boom"! Frank Gifford was a mainstay from the early days with Cosell, but was removed after having an affair and the woman appeared in Playboy.

As for tonight's game the Pats have already clinched the division but are fighting for a #3 seed, not that it appears to make too much of a difference. The Jets on the other hand have 3 wins and will most likely mail it in...The last time the Jets beat the Patriots was in December 2002. So expect a huge MNF retrospective, rather than much of a game. Although Monday Night Football has always been known for their surprises...

TO, your thoughts...

Christmas Loot: What UB got...

So Christmas day has come and gone and children all over the world have a mound of toys they are playing with today...Well things weren't so smooth in the UB house hold as it was a banner year for your Uncle Buck, a banner year of disappointment...

Nope, UB didn't get an I-Pod this Christmas, instead he received some crappy Christmas records:

Including "Christmas with Colonel Sanders" and...

..."The Six Million Dollar Man's Christmas Adventures."

UB got a new DVD, "Old School", however it was the "R" rated edition.

UB did get a package of Slim Jims but UB's dog got into them and now UB only has 2 Slim Jims left and a sick dog. UB quickly ate those while playing his new Tiger Woods PGA golf game...unfortunately it was no the new 2006 version, but rather...

...the 1999 version, that UB's uncle picked up out of the bargain bin. When asked why he didn't buy the 2006 version Uncle Frank said:

"They wanted $50 bucks for that thing, so I says, "Not in this lifetime bub!"

On the plus side UB did get Yankees back-up catcher John Flaherty (at least Randy Johnson will be pissed). But it's not nearly as good as what UB's neighbor got:

While that was bad, without a doubt the worst gift UB received was this Hard Rock Cafe shirt from his Aunt Sarafina that she picked up on her vacation to Seoul, Korea last February.

First off if you are going to Korea why would you get someone a shirt from the Hard Rock Cafe, and 2nd of all why would you get UB a size "L"?

Maybe next year Santa will have something better to fill up UB's stockings...

Thursday, December 22, 2005

UB's top 5 Christmas Movies

Well it is time to unveil your Uncle Buck's top 5 Christmas movies, just before he heads off on his own Christmas Vacation. Here are some scenes and favorite quotes that should put you in the holiday spirit.

#5: A Christmas Story

Ralphie as Adult: Oh, life is like that. Sometimes, at the height of our revalries, when our joy is at it's zenith, when all is most right with the world, the most unthinkable disasters descend upon us.

Ralphie as Adult: Meanwhile, I struggled for exactly the right BB gun hint. It had to be firm, but subtle.

Ralphie: Flick says he saw some grizzly bears near Pulaski's candy store! [everyone stares at Ralphie]

Ralphie as Adult: They looked at me as if I had lobsters crawling out of my ears.

Ralphie as Adult: Getting ready to go to school was like getting ready for extended deep-sea diving.

Flick: Are you kidding? Stick my tongue to that stupid pole? That's dumb!

Schwartz: That's 'cause you know it'll stick!

Flick: You're full of it!

Schwartz: Oh yeah?

Flick: Yeah!

Schwartz: Well I double-DOG-dare ya!

Ralphie as Adult: NOW it was serious. A double-dog-dare. What else was there but a "triple dare ya"? And then, the coup de grace of all dares, the sinister triple-dog-dare.

Schwartz: I TRIPLE-dog-dare ya!

Ralphie as Adult: Schwartz created a slight breach of etiquette by skipping the triple dare and going right for the throat!

Ralphie as Adult: The old man stood there, quivering with fury, stammering as he tried to come up with a real crusher. All he got out was...

Ralphie's Father: Notafinga!

Santa: You'll shoot you're eye out kid!

#4: Scrooged

Ghost of Christmas Past: Let's face it, Frank. Garden slugs got more out of life than you.

Frank Cross: Yeah? Name one.

Lew Hayward: I was a captain of industry, feared by men, adored by women.

Frank Cross: ADORED? C'mon, let's be honest, Lew. You PAID for the women.

James Cross: You know what they say about people who treat other people bad on the way up?

Frank Cross: Yeah, you get to treat 'em bad on the way back down too. It's great, you get two chances to rough 'em up.

Frank Cross: I get it, you're here to show me my past and I'm supposed to get all dully eyed and mushy. Well forget it pal, you got the wrong guy.

Ghost of Christmas Past: That's exactly what Atilla the Hun said. But when he saw his mother, Niagara Falls.

Frank Cross: Well I don't believe this. It says there is a place you can touch a woman that will make her bark like a dog!?

Claire: Woof woof!

Ghost of Christmas Present: You know I like the rough stuff, don't you Frank?

Frank Cross: I'm gonna give you a little advice Claire. Scrape 'em off. You wanna save somebody? Save yourself.

Claire: Oh well that's a really nice attitude. Merry Christmas.

Frank Cross: Bah humbug.

Frank Cross: What are you saying? That I've died?

Frank Cross: I'm ALIVE!

Elliot: [cocks a shotgun and aims it at Frank] Not for long.

Frank Cross: Did I forget something big man?

Calvin: God bless us, everyone.

#3 Christmas Vacation

Clark: Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f*cking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.

Eddie: You surprised to see us, Clark?

Clark: Oh, Eddie... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.

Todd: Hey Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?

Clark: Bend over and I'll show you.

Todd: You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that Griswold.

Clark: I wasn't talking to you.

Ellen: What are you looking at?

Clark: Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer... [Eddie, in the driveway, is draining the RV's toilet]

Eddie: Sh*tter was full.

Clark: Ah, yeah. You checked our sh*tters, honey?

Aunt Bethany: Don't throw me down, Clark.

Clark: I'll try not to, Aunt Bethany...

Aunt Bethany: Is this the airport, Clark?

Aunt Bethany: Is Rusty still in the navy?

Clark: Hey, Kids, I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted Santa's sleigh on it's way in from New York City.

Eddie: [after a pause] You serious, Clark?

#2 Miracle on 34th Street

Doris: Would you please tell her that you're not really Santa Claus, that actually is no such person?

Kris Kringle: Well, I hate to disagree with you, but not only IS there such a person, but here I am to prove it.

Kris Kringle: Now wait a minute, Susie. Just because every child can't get his wish that doesn't mean there isn't a Santa Claus.

Kris Kringle: No, but don't you see, dear? Some children wish for things they couldn't possibly use like real locomotives or B-29s.

Fred Gailey: All my life I've wondered something, and now's my chance to find out. I'm going to find the answer to a question that's puzzled the world for centuries. Does Santa Claus sleep with his whiskers outside or in?

Kris Kringle: Always sleep with them out. Cold air makes them grow.

Mr. Shellhammer: But... but maybe he's only a little crazy like painters or composers or... or some of those men in Washington.

Doris Walker: I was wrong when I told you that, Susie. You must believe in Mr. Kringle and keep right on doing it. You must have faith in him.

Fred Gailey: Your honor every one of these letters is addressed to Santa Claus. The Post Office has delivered them. Therefore, the Post Office Department, a branch of the Federal Government, declares this man, Kris Kringle, to be the one and only Santa Claus.

Judge: Since the United States government declares this man to be Santa Claus, this court will not dispute it, case dismissed.

#1 It's a Wonderful Life

Clarence: Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?

George Bailey: What is it you want, Mary? What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down. Hey. That's a pretty good idea. I'll give you the moon, Mary.

Mary: I'll take it. Then what?

George Bailey: Well, then you can swallow it, and it'll all dissolve, see... and the moonbeams would shoot out of your fingers and your toes and the ends of your hair... am I talking too much?

George Bailey: You sit around here and you spin your little webs and you think the whole world revolves around you and your money. Well, it doesn't, Mr. Potter. In the whole vast configuration of things, I'd say you were nothing but a scurvy little spider. And... [turning to his aide]

George Bailey: And that goes for you, too!

George Bailey: [yelling at Uncle Billy] Where's that money, you silly stupid old fool? Where's that money? Do you realize what this means? It means bankruptcy and scandal and prison. That's what it means. One of us is going to jail - well, it's not gonna be me.

George Bailey: Oh, I don't know. Either I'm off my nut, or he is... [to Clarence]

George Bailey: ... or you are!

Clarence: It isn't me!

Nick: Hey look, mister - we serve hard drinks in here for men who want to get drunk fast, and we don't need any characters around to give the joint "atmosphere". Is that clear, or do I have to slip you my left for a convincer?

George Bailey: [praying] Clarence! Clarence! Help me, Clarence! Get me back! Get me back, I don't care what happens to me! Get me back to my wife and kids! Help me Clarence, please! Please! I wanna live again. I wanna live again. Please, God, let me live again.

Harry Bailey: Good idea Ernie, a toast to my big brother George, the richest man in town!

Clarence: Remember, George: no man is a failure who has friends

Uncle Buck

Moments of Zen!